I’ve been struggling with the idea of going back to work since the day that Giulia was born. Initially, just the thought of leaving her with someone other that my husband, a trusted family member or me would bring me to tears: what would go through my mind is that nobody would be as patient or know the little things about her, like lifting her legs to alleviate her gas cramps to make her feel better. I mean, who would do that besides us?!?
Now 49 days later, she has changed so much, and, with each change, I develop a completely new anxiety, which one way or another goes back to my not caring for her full-time. That said, I have also been changing, in that now, generally speaking, I am mildly more relaxed when it comes to Giulia. For instance, just last week, while in the car, Gi was cranky and exhausted, so on our way back to our house, she started to cry/scream. I talked to and comforted her and even though she continued to cry, I went ahead and resumed my conversation with John, who stopped mid-sentence to point out that had that happened a month ago, I would have freaked out and made him pull over so that I could sit next to her to try and have her stop crying. Moreover, I can now let her sleep without sticking my finger under her nose to make sure that she’s breathing. I can hear her cry when she has gas cramps and help her get some relief without crying also. I can have fun while I bathe her. I guess I feel marginally more secure and a bit more comfortable about being a mom.
My mind is in turmoil: it would make much more sense for us if I went back to work, but the thought of leaving her under someone else’s care is killing me. I’ve debated over asking my boss to go part-time or asking for a flexible work arrangement upon returning to work, but I started it with telling my boss that I would take the entire 16 weeks of FMLA, which, considering how important my job was for me, was a huge step. Now, more than ever, it is imperative that I learn to focus on today rather than obsessing over the future.
Now, the one thing that hasn’t changed is my overwhelming love for my daughter. I trust that God will give me whatever I need to feel better about this whole thing and the tools to be a wonderful mom, even if she ends up in daycare, full-time.
Now 49 days later, she has changed so much, and, with each change, I develop a completely new anxiety, which one way or another goes back to my not caring for her full-time. That said, I have also been changing, in that now, generally speaking, I am mildly more relaxed when it comes to Giulia. For instance, just last week, while in the car, Gi was cranky and exhausted, so on our way back to our house, she started to cry/scream. I talked to and comforted her and even though she continued to cry, I went ahead and resumed my conversation with John, who stopped mid-sentence to point out that had that happened a month ago, I would have freaked out and made him pull over so that I could sit next to her to try and have her stop crying. Moreover, I can now let her sleep without sticking my finger under her nose to make sure that she’s breathing. I can hear her cry when she has gas cramps and help her get some relief without crying also. I can have fun while I bathe her. I guess I feel marginally more secure and a bit more comfortable about being a mom.
My mind is in turmoil: it would make much more sense for us if I went back to work, but the thought of leaving her under someone else’s care is killing me. I’ve debated over asking my boss to go part-time or asking for a flexible work arrangement upon returning to work, but I started it with telling my boss that I would take the entire 16 weeks of FMLA, which, considering how important my job was for me, was a huge step. Now, more than ever, it is imperative that I learn to focus on today rather than obsessing over the future.
Now, the one thing that hasn’t changed is my overwhelming love for my daughter. I trust that God will give me whatever I need to feel better about this whole thing and the tools to be a wonderful mom, even if she ends up in daycare, full-time.
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