Trust Issues

After having had so many dificult relationships in the past, I've learned a thing or 2 about them. I think that in order for any relationship to work, you have to know when stuff that you are saying when you're irritated is "real", it's because you are really feeling them, or if it's only because you are stressed due to "external things", stuff that has nothing to do with each other, but it has to do with, like, lack of money, stress of surgery, debt, ...etc. If it's really me, stuff that in my true core bothers me, then I have to address it wih John. Now, if I'm just bickering...well, then I have to be disciplined enough to say: - you know, I was just a big pain, totally unfair to you, and I'm sorry. I'll do my best not to let all this stuff that's going on to affect how I am with you. And, although difficult, I then have to STOP the behavior immediately. Ultimately we both have to be KIND to each other and want to spare each other of hurt.

I've noticed that when John says something that it feels hurtful to me (sometimes he is clueless as to what hurts me, as people have different sensitivity levels) I'll say: honey, that hurts my feelings. And he immediately apologizes and feels really bad that whatever he said upset me, because he also really wants to make our relationship work and he doesn't want to hurt me at all. That's another thing I've learned: for any relationship to work out, both people have to really want it to work. Like, waking away from it, is just not an option because you love the other person too much and there's NOBODY who could ever come close to what we have.

John and I have a really good relationship, we always have. He is my best friend and I love to hang with him, we laugh a lot and we have just so much fun together. But in the very beginning of our relationship, I had just been yet again cheated on by my last bf and I wasn't really being fair to John. I had unrealistic expectations of him, I didn't really trust him (although he never gave me a reason to ever not trust him) and I was a bit of a nightmare. Well, at the time, I was going to a therapist to address my own insecurities about relationships and trust issues, especially considering that I have just been cheated on yet again, by my bf @ the time. Well, even though John had never gone to a therapist (and quite honestly didn't believe in them), he went to a couple of sessions with me. He loved it because he felt safe about talking to me about his own frustrations about me, knowing that I wouldn't use those things against him. It's a work in progress for me, but after seeing how committed he was to making me feel secure about "us", my trust issues started to be more under control.

John is now in Germany, the same exact city where his girlfriend of a year lives, the same gf that he broke things off for me, for our relationship (there were, obviously other issues, but pursuing a relationship with me was, I believe, the deciding factor for him). Deep down, I do feel insecure about him being there. But I remember how honest he is and how much we love each other, how we are so in love with each other, what a beautiful relationship ours is and I take ownership for this mis-trust - it is MY issue. He is so committed to me, he is such a wonderful partner, the love of my life. Just remembering these these things and how lucky I am to have him, put things in perspective for me. John on the other hand, is extra attentive to me (although I've never asked him to be) - I think bc he knows about my insecurity, he is extra attentive and sweet: he'll IM me, call and leave me sweet messages, call when he is done with meetings, etc. Nothing crazy, but enough for me to know that he is consciously trying to reassure me of how "solid" we are...).

Even in great relationships, there will be issues to be dealt with. There will always be tough situations in our lives, but it's the way the we deal with them that will make the difference in whether we'll make it.
NO RELATIONSHIP WILL EVER BE STRESS FREE. EVEN THE ONES THAT SEEM SO PERFECT.