What a crazy day... between dr.'s appointments (OB and dermatologist) and work... Hmm, I think I actually had a busy day today. Woo-hoo. (yes, I am bored, dammit.) My week was uneventful. I've been reading various pregnancy and mommy blogs and about other pregnancy issues, talked to my mom and my sister every day, I was pretty productive at work, you know. Nothing sexy.
I'm looking forward to spending time with John this weekend. Last weekend was fun and all (John's brother, his wife, my lovely niece and her friend came to CT to spend the weekend with us) but it will be nice to have some alone time with my husband. J wants to work on getting the house ready for when the baby comes but I am still not 100% engaged, I'm not quite there yet. I have my appoinment with the perinatologist on Wednesday and with the psychiatrist on Thursday and I am hoping that things will improve after those meetings.
I so desperately want to enjoy this experience, but for some reason I can't, I don't feel that I deserve to and I am tired of trying to be that person that I'm not. I am just going to stoping fighting and start accepting that I am pretty miserable right now. This doesn't mean that I didn't want this (this baby was more than planned and will be so welcome in our lives) or that I am not looking forward to meeting the little princess, because I am. I consider myself so lucky that all these wonderful things are happening to us but at the same time, I can't really focus on it until I can fix this depression and anxiety that seems to have had overcome my being.
I am taking one day at a time. I have OK days and horrible days. I have days that I don't obssess and days that all I do is cry. I have days that I am so attached to my belly and others that I don't even acknowledge it. I have days that the feeling of guilt overcomes any other one and those can be right on par with the obsessive ones. I have days when I am so incredibly sad, but funny, I never have any days when I don't wish I was pregnant. I already so attached yet I feel incredibly unattached at times. I have to learn to stop being so hard on myself and stop thinking on how I "should be" as opposed to accepting how I am. I have to learn be kind to myself.
I'm looking forward to spending time with John this weekend. Last weekend was fun and all (John's brother, his wife, my lovely niece and her friend came to CT to spend the weekend with us) but it will be nice to have some alone time with my husband. J wants to work on getting the house ready for when the baby comes but I am still not 100% engaged, I'm not quite there yet. I have my appoinment with the perinatologist on Wednesday and with the psychiatrist on Thursday and I am hoping that things will improve after those meetings.
I so desperately want to enjoy this experience, but for some reason I can't, I don't feel that I deserve to and I am tired of trying to be that person that I'm not. I am just going to stoping fighting and start accepting that I am pretty miserable right now. This doesn't mean that I didn't want this (this baby was more than planned and will be so welcome in our lives) or that I am not looking forward to meeting the little princess, because I am. I consider myself so lucky that all these wonderful things are happening to us but at the same time, I can't really focus on it until I can fix this depression and anxiety that seems to have had overcome my being.
I am taking one day at a time. I have OK days and horrible days. I have days that I don't obssess and days that all I do is cry. I have days that I am so attached to my belly and others that I don't even acknowledge it. I have days that the feeling of guilt overcomes any other one and those can be right on par with the obsessive ones. I have days when I am so incredibly sad, but funny, I never have any days when I don't wish I was pregnant. I already so attached yet I feel incredibly unattached at times. I have to learn to stop being so hard on myself and stop thinking on how I "should be" as opposed to accepting how I am. I have to learn be kind to myself.
1 comment:
Hi, finally I can leave you a comment. I’ve been trying to send you a message for days but your last website was not working. I cant believe that we are both Brazilian, are having a girl and have almost the same due date… what a coincidence!!!!!!!! I so can relate to what you say about just enjoying the pregnancy, as you can see on my blog I worry , worry and worry! I hope we can both learn to let it go…and enjoy this amazing blessing. Where do you live? Feel free to send me an e-mail cibelesec@hotmail.com. I would love to get to know better. Um abraco querida,! Prazer em conhece-la!
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