Back at Work

On Monday, I went back to work. That dreaded 1st day of work came and went and then very quickly the 1st week of work came and went. I saw colleagues that I hadn’t seen in 7 months, attended meetings, was brought up to speed on what happened during my leave, blah, blah, and yes, I survived. I did OK, but I also really missed spending time during the day with my daughter. And I missed not having to go into work… I guess I need to do some soul-searching and figure out whether I what I really, actually like and want to do.

A part of me also enjoyed being away, finally starting life as I knew it BG (“Before Giulia”), interacting and having adult conversations, feeling challenged, feeling like a person again (whereas before, I could only feel like “mom”)…

I guess the anticipation was indeed worse than actually going back....

Life

My life's been a blur since I went back to work. Things are crazy again. My workload comes in waves and right now I am going thru an incredibly busy time (It's almost 9PM and I decided to take a break from doing work to write this post, as my complacency and lack of entries has been bothering even yours truly here). On top of that, I've been interviewing a temp to cover for me while I'm on maternity leave. Even though it feels like this pregnancy will never be over, I have less than 2 months to go and it is time to get cracking on finding me a temporary replacement.

My husband is super frustrated at work. He is working too much. He wants to be home with me and enjoy our pregnancy - this is such a special time for us and he is coming home late all the time, he hasn't been able to workout, he's been traveling way too often. Plus, we do get along and enjoy each others' company after all. We feel like our lives have been consumed with work and preparing our home and ourselves for baby.

I've been really umconfortable. I'm so heavy and as a result, I have backaches, I developed numbness on my fingers due to water retention, I can't walk or sit for more than 30' at a time, and on a more superficial level, I feel really ugly. Fat and ugly.

Ugh. A part of me wants to enjoy this time that I still have as a chidless woman, enjoy these 2 months when I can still go out to dinner, to the movies, and to the gym with John and not worry about having to come home because we left the baby with the babysitter, when I can sleep at night without having to wake up to feed a baby and I can still do all these things that after her birth I'll have to modify my approach to doing them... But our baby is so present and such already such a constant in my life that I am not sure that I feel chidless anymore.

I can't wait until she's here.

My Annual Review

I had my (work) annual review on Monday, via phone - which is definitely not the best way to do it, but my supervisor and I had no choice considering that my dr. hadn't given me the OK to go back to work yet and it had to be done. I received a great review but I was VERY disappointed at my summary rating of "fully competent" (as opposed to "exceptional performer"). I expressed my disappointment to my supervisor, and although he made a couple of changes to his review by adding even more praises, ...etc, he ultimately left my summary rating as it was.

I met up with my supervisor yesterday to wrap up Monday's discussion and sign my performance plan. I was surprinsingly calm during my discussion with him. See, even though he gave me the "fully competent" rating, I KNOW that last year, I performed exceptionally. I received fantastic reviews from certain top executives in my company, I worked my butt of and exceeded the goals that were established for me, having, mind you, e-mail documentation to back everything up. Inside of me, with all honesty, I know that I worked above and beyond your average person. After thinking about this for 4 days, I decided to respect my supervisor's decision and not create a big deal out of my summary rating with HR.

Part of my being so upset is knowing that I had such a great year last year, that it will be tough to top it this year. I am also being incredibly afraid that now that I'll be having a baby, I won't have the same chance to "shine" like I did in 2007 and that I'll have to conform, yet again, with an average rating. I am not a person who accepts "average" as my standard. I don't coast. I love my job. I work hard. I have a strong work ethic. I care.

But I also realize that my supervisor is not out there to "get me" - if he gave me a great review but a "fully competent" summary, after debating it for 4 days, I decided that it is best to accept it and try harder this year.

Now here lies the conflict: how am I going to try harder when my priorities are already shifting (I can only imagine how it's gonna be when the baby is born) and work is no longer as important as it used to be?