My munchkin is turning into a donut!

"Somebody" TRIPLED her weight in only one month! (1 to 3 pounds)

Bored

What a crazy day... between dr.'s appointments (OB and dermatologist) and work... Hmm, I think I actually had a busy day today. Woo-hoo. (yes, I am bored, dammit.) My week was uneventful. I've been reading various pregnancy and mommy blogs and about other pregnancy issues, talked to my mom and my sister every day, I was pretty productive at work, you know. Nothing sexy.

I'm looking forward to spending time with John this weekend. Last weekend was fun and all (John's brother, his wife, my lovely niece and her friend came to CT to spend the weekend with us) but it will be nice to have some alone time with my husband. J wants to work on getting the house ready for when the baby comes but I am still not 100% engaged, I'm not quite there yet. I have my appoinment with the perinatologist on Wednesday and with the psychiatrist on Thursday and I am hoping that things will improve after those meetings.

I so desperately want to enjoy this experience, but for some reason I can't, I don't feel that I deserve to and I am tired of trying to be that person that I'm not. I am just going to stoping fighting and start accepting that I am pretty miserable right now. This doesn't mean that I didn't want this (this baby was more than planned and will be so welcome in our lives) or that I am not looking forward to meeting the little princess, because I am. I consider myself so lucky that all these wonderful things are happening to us but at the same time, I can't really focus on it until I can fix this depression and anxiety that seems to have had overcome my being.

I am taking one day at a time. I have OK days and horrible days. I have days that I don't obssess and days that all I do is cry. I have days that I am so attached to my belly and others that I don't even acknowledge it. I have days that the feeling of guilt overcomes any other one and those can be right on par with the obsessive ones. I have days when I am so incredibly sad, but funny, I never have any days when I don't wish I was pregnant. I already so attached yet I feel incredibly unattached at times. I have to learn to stop being so hard on myself and stop thinking on how I "should be" as opposed to accepting how I am. I have to learn be kind to myself.

Lonely

January 15, 2008

5:31 pm

Last night John told me that he'd be going to Canada tomorrow and then to China on Sunday. So, for the remainder of this week, he will only be here on Friday and Saturday. He will also be gone all week next week. I am sure it will be very tough not to have him around, particularly considering that I am home by myself all day long. Ugh -I am so not looking forward to next week at all. It will be so lonely without him...

Ever since getting pregnant, there have been so many changes in my life already! And since we are talking "travel", let me discuss changes in my life that are pertinent to my current ability to going places: the year before last, I was out of the country, on and off for about 6 months. Last year I visited 9 different countries and between China, Singapore, Copenhagen, New Zealand, St. Marteen, Saba, St. John, St. Thomas and Brazil, I covered quite a bit of land! Now this year I have no prospects of going anywhere, except to Brazil to be with my family right after the baby is born. If John and I are lucky, we will take the baby on our 1st family vacation to, perhaps, New Jersey, Florida, or New York, to visit her Uncle, Aunt and/or Grandparents! Haaaaa!

Now that I am farther along in my pregnancy, I go back and forth on whether the time that I have pre-baby (currently 3 and 1/2 months) is way too long or simply not long enough to wait for my daughter. Will I be afraid or ecstatic when all the other changes associated with her birth arrive? I have no idea and honestly, no choice in the matter (as I will have to wait as long as it takes for her to arrive), but one thing is certain, I can't wait to meet this little one. In thinking about John not being here, changes, etc., I just had this overwhelming feeling that the biggest change for me will in fact be that in a few months, I, will never, ever, ever be alone or lonely, ever again...

Genetic Counselor

January 14, 2008
11:49 am

We were supposed to see a Genetic Counselor right after our Level II ultrasound on Wednesday, but since my consult with the perinatologist* started late and lasted longer that expected and John had to go back to work by the time the u/s was actually over. I was tempted to cancel my apointment with the GC altogether (because at the time I saw no value added in talking to her) but John pleaded with me that I talk to whoever I could about my anxiety, so I rescheduled my appointment with the GC to Friday morning. John picked me up at home at 9:45 and we headed downtown to Hartford Hospital. I was a bit skeptical about the whole thing, but I've gotta say, I had a GREAT consult with the GC: I feel much better about my blood and u/s results (she did a great job in explaining those to us), while, of course, continuing to understand that they offer me no guarantees (but, refreshingly so, she didn't focus on the possibility of what could go wrong - no matter how unlikely - but on the fact that everything was very positive).

THE CONSULT: She started it by asking John and I about our family history (whether everybody was healthy, etc. - John's family is 100% healthy but I have 2 cousins - that I learned genetically don't impact my baby - with mental problems). She then went over our blood test results and explained to us, in detail, what each of the 4 elements of the quadruple screen meant. My main questions was in regard to timing - I had my AFP at week 21 and 3 days when the cut-off is at 22 weeks (the lab doesn't have data past that time) - I was concerned, in the event I had miscalculated my conception date and I was actually later in on my pregnancy, I asked her if the results were still true considering the facts and if the data had been compromised, as a result. She reassured me that I am OK there, as the lab wouldn't have performed the tests if they didn't have data to measure my blood count against. Then we went over the level II u/s results. She said that the doctor (perinatologist - for definition, see below) who performed it was one of the most experienced doctors in the Hartford area, that my results were fantastic, that the machine was very accurate and that the odds, of us having a baby with special needs, based on these tests were much lower than a risk of a miscarriage with us having an amnio. She asked me to think rationally about whether the amnio would make sense - and even though "rational" is not a word that is in my personal dictionary these days - considering the results and how against it John is, I've decided not to have it.

The hard thing about this pre-partum depression is the unpredictability of how I'm going to feel. I've been doing really well for the past couple days but I have no idea of what's gonna hit me in the next few days. As a result of doing well, John and I were able to pick colors for the baby's room (pink, light brown and the paneling will be ivory), we bought a car seat at Target, we decided that we would try and work on organizing the house to get ready for baby, etc... The crazy thing is, I feel so good when I'm doing things for her, I love it when she throws kicks and punches and shows me that yes, she is here to stay and I love looking at my belly and actually "seeing" how fast she's growing now (I believe at this point, babies grow quite rapidly - weight -wise it is about 6 ounces/week)... It feels so real. I am just hoping that I can keep this up and that I can somehow stay somewhat positive for the next 3 and a half months... We'll see

* Perinatologist: An obstetrical sub-specialist concerned with the care of the mother and fetus at higher-than-normal risk for complications. Since the perinatal period, depending on the definition, starts at the 20th to 28th week of gestation and ends 1 to 4 weeks after birth, a perinatologist logically could be a obstetrician or pediatrician but, in practice, a perinatologist is an obstetrician. The comparable area of pediatrics is neonatology. A high-risk baby might be cared for by a perinatologist before birth and by a neonatologist after birth.