SINGAPORE DIARY - DAY 3 (Crazy Day)

What a weird day.... Left early and stay late at work, hate it when that happens..... Didn't spend much time with Giulia today but we did get to go to our neighbor Dorothy's and Miss G. was the hit of the party, as expected. The kids loved her, played with her, wanted to hang with her... She is so amazingly cool, it is my absolute pleasure to hang and sspend time with my daughter. Giulia, you rock!

John, honey, you are now on an airplane, on your way back to us and we simply can't wait to see you. We love you so much and since you left, we've been quite empty.

Johnsick and literally, sick...

I hate throwing-up and I feel extremely lucky that I have not had any nausea during this pregnancy, but I spent the entire night last night into today vomiting and dry-heaving, which has been a bit problematic for a couple of reasons:

1. I absolutely hate the feeling of vomiting; and

2. My husband is in NYC awaiting a plane to go to Munich.

Today has not been a good day. I really want this week to fly by - John will be home on Thursday and then we leave for FLA to visit John's parents. Hanging with my husband for 5 full days and enjoying the warm weather and some great company... it just doesn't get any better than that.

27 Weeks

I am now 27 weeks. It is surreal to me that in only one week I'll be entering my 3rd and last trimester of this pregnancy. I go back and forth on whether this pregnancy will never be over with (I'm not loving this "being pregnant" thing - no secret here) or if I still need more time before she comes into this world. I feel incredibly unprepared, as she doesn't even have a bedroom yet, but at the same time I simply can not wait to meet her (who needs a bedroom anyway).

Last night was the 1st time that I heard John verbally expressing his love for our baby. We were in bed, reading. He then put his book down, kissed my belly and said: I love you. When I heard him, I knew that he wasn't saying it to me. He had the sweetest expression on his face. Hearing my husband tell our baby, the product of our amazing love, that he loved her, was the most incredible experience. It gave me further assurance that I am married to the right man, that I am creating this family with the right person at the right time, that I am exactly where I'm supposed to be....

27 weeks

Your baby is nearly a full 15 inches now (head to toe). And at just over two pounds, she has doubled in weight from four weeks ago. Your baby's auditory development (hearing) is progressing as the network of nerves to the ears matures. And even though the sounds your baby hears are muffled she may recognize both yours and your husband's voices. Your baby's taste buds are very developed now too. She may be hiccuping and although hiccups (which feel like belly spasms to you) may seem like they're disturbing to your baby, she isn't stressed at all. It's just one more sensation that babies need to get used to.

OB Appointment

I can't sleep at night anymore. Between peeing 10x/night, feeling horrible backaches due to my ever-growing belly, my not being able to breathe (what's the deal with pregnancy and, uh, congestion??) and my all-nighter tossing and turning, trying to feel just a little bit comfortable in a weird shaped body, I feel more tired at 6AM than I did when I went to bed. Every little thing wakes me up too. I am awakened by my husband even if he "breathes" a bit bit louder. One would think that nature would have worked this out so that we, pregnant women, could sleep a lot before baby, to make up for the lack of sleep that we'll endure after baby???

Oh and I broke yet another barrier: I have managed to gain THIRTY FIVE POUNDS in seven months. That's how much I'm supposed to gain thruout my entire pregnancy! And I know I'm going to sound like the overweight who's in denial, but I don't think I'm eating a heck of a lot more than before, surely not enough to justify a 35 pound gain! I started this pregnancy a bit underweight (I have horrific stomach problems and I feel a lot of pain whenever I eat, so I ate very little as to avoid feeling pain and indigestion - this issue disappeared the second I got pregnant - maybe nature is perfect after all) and I have read somewhere that if you are, for the most part, eating somewhat healthy, but still, you are retaining everything you eat, is because your body needs it. And honestly, considering all the other things that are concerning me, one thing that is just not on my mind at all is my weight gain - except of course, when I go to my monthly OB appointment and I see a record of my weight gain on my chart (And I have to admit: I hate my pudgy legs, my swollen face, my mis-shaped nose too).

I'll be doing the glucose test next week - I hear horrific things about this test and I am not looking forward to it (not because I am worried about its results but because I am just not looking forward to drinking the goo that they'll give me and then waiting an hour to have the test done). My blood pressure is totally normal. My belly is growing as it should. Baby moves so much and sometimes can actually I see her move when I look at my belly. I had one or two episodes of morning sickness and heart-burn during my entire pregnancy, so far. My feet and fingers aren't swollen (my wedding ring still fits me!) ~ Physically, I am having the ideal pregnancy. Too bad I am such a mess emotionally. Nothing is perfect after all. But Wednesday is my u/s and next week, life should go back to normal (no more bed-rest). Thank goodness.

Today has been a good day. We went to Smokey Bones for lunch (and this adorable girl waited on us and she talked, talked and talked away and told us about her travels and boyfriend and stuff and John looked at me with a huge smile on his face and said: honey, can you believe we'll be having a girl in 3 months? To which I responded, can you imagine if she talks as much as this girl? -- And the 2 of us said at the same time: It would be so much fun!), then we went to Lowes (we started some home improvement projects to get ready for baby), made an obligatory stop at Cold Stone Creamery and a quick pit-stop at David's Bridal (to grab some catalogues for my sister).

Now, as I am typing away, John is taking a nap. I just glanced at him and he looks so peaceful, so incredibly gorgeous. I rented 2 movies yesterday, which we may or may not watch tonight. We have no food in the house, so we may or may not have dinner here.
In reality, it doesn't really matter -- I have no clue what's next but whatever it is, I'm looking forward to it because I'll be doing it with my best friend, my favorite person in the world. We always have the best time together. We always have so much fun....

Bored

What a crazy day... between dr.'s appointments (OB and dermatologist) and work... Hmm, I think I actually had a busy day today. Woo-hoo. (yes, I am bored, dammit.) My week was uneventful. I've been reading various pregnancy and mommy blogs and about other pregnancy issues, talked to my mom and my sister every day, I was pretty productive at work, you know. Nothing sexy.

I'm looking forward to spending time with John this weekend. Last weekend was fun and all (John's brother, his wife, my lovely niece and her friend came to CT to spend the weekend with us) but it will be nice to have some alone time with my husband. J wants to work on getting the house ready for when the baby comes but I am still not 100% engaged, I'm not quite there yet. I have my appoinment with the perinatologist on Wednesday and with the psychiatrist on Thursday and I am hoping that things will improve after those meetings.

I so desperately want to enjoy this experience, but for some reason I can't, I don't feel that I deserve to and I am tired of trying to be that person that I'm not. I am just going to stoping fighting and start accepting that I am pretty miserable right now. This doesn't mean that I didn't want this (this baby was more than planned and will be so welcome in our lives) or that I am not looking forward to meeting the little princess, because I am. I consider myself so lucky that all these wonderful things are happening to us but at the same time, I can't really focus on it until I can fix this depression and anxiety that seems to have had overcome my being.

I am taking one day at a time. I have OK days and horrible days. I have days that I don't obssess and days that all I do is cry. I have days that I am so attached to my belly and others that I don't even acknowledge it. I have days that the feeling of guilt overcomes any other one and those can be right on par with the obsessive ones. I have days when I am so incredibly sad, but funny, I never have any days when I don't wish I was pregnant. I already so attached yet I feel incredibly unattached at times. I have to learn to stop being so hard on myself and stop thinking on how I "should be" as opposed to accepting how I am. I have to learn be kind to myself.

Texting

January 24, 2008
8:47 am

John's texts to me this morning (while I was sleeping):

From: JD Cell

Hi hon, I'm in the lounge and the plane is on time. ILUMTA (I love you more than anything).

4:22AM 1/24/08

and then, an hour later, he sends me another text...

From: JD Cell

On plane ready to depart. Will call from DC. Can't wait to see you!!! MBWITU (MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN IN THE UNIVERSE).

5:24AM 1/24/08

God, I love this man. I woke up at 5:50AM and upon reading his texts, texted him back even though I tried to call, I can't seem to get thru when he's overseas, for some reason). His phone beeped so knew I was awake, then he called me so that we could touch base right before his plane took off.
I miss J so much, I simply can not wait to be with him.

Psych

January 23, 2008
6:40 pm

After talking to my mom - a hardcore psychologist who believes that therapy cures everything and everyone - I decided to call a psychiatrist. My mom actually advised me to do so, because even though I had a good meeting with the psychologist on Monday, she advised me that it would take months for me to get better. The thing is: I don't have months to work on this depression.

The way I feel can't possibly do my baby any good (it certainly doesn't do me any good) so I truly feel at this point that I need to pick the lesser of 2 evils, I need to bite the bullet and if needed, take the depression medication in order to control my anxiety. But the guilt I feel for even thinking of taking the medication (despite being reassured that it is safe for me and my baby) is tremendous, in particular, because one of the "thoughts" that makes me so sad is when I realize that I will never be able to protect my baby from everything or everyone who could possibly hurt her thruout her life... I find myself crying so much, feeling this deep, deep sadness every time the horrible and uncontrolable thoughts creep in. It happens even when I had made a conscious decision to have a good and happy day. My resolve goes down the drain and this irrationality overcomes my being, my soul, my decisions. It is stronger than me.

The irony of it all is that little did I know that I would not be able to protect my baby from the one who is also nourishing her... I didn't know I could protect not her from... myself.

One more day until my husband comes home from China. Thank God.

1/2 Weekend

January 21, 2008
1:52 pm


So, I do feel a bit cheated... even though we had a great time, John and I only had a good "half" weekend (or a good Saturday)-- OK, let me explain: John got back from Canada on Thursday, worked all day Friday and left for China on Sunday, so I only had a good Saturday or 1/2 weekend with him! Even though I just saw him yesterday, it feels to me like he's been away for-ever.

RANDOM EVENTS:
1. On Saturday, I got a call from a pretty charactery psychologist who managed to get me an appointment with another therapist for later today which means that yes, she is charactery but 'all right' in my book.
2. I dropped John off at the gym and then I went to Target to buy a pair of size XXL sweat pants bc NONE of my clothes, including my size "L" pants don't fit me anymore. While in the store I got my baby's crib set, matching blankets and matching boxes in the same colors that we want to paint her room (pink, brown and ivory). Crazy randomness: In stores, I'll take the little motorized cars to minimize my walking and boy, do I feel silly!
3. John was determined that I had a good day on Saturday so he took me to watch "27 Dresses" and then to have appetizers at Friday's. We had so much fun, like we always do, and my husband made sure that I was having a happy night or, at a minimum, an anxiety controlled night, a goal that he successfully managed to accomplish.
4. On Sunday at 4:30AM John left to go to the airport. When he left I cried for an hour, thinking of how much I'll miss him and afraid that something bad would happen to him while he's away. (So the circumstances change and I end up projecting my insecuring upon that new circumstance, so now my terrible fear is that his plane will crash...) At around 6AM I heard noises downstairs so my sick mind immediately thought that it was the police coming over to tell me that my husband's plane had crashed and that he had died. Well, a short while later, the bedroom door opens which made me so scared I thought I'd die. John walks into our room, because, no, he hadn't died, but his early flight was canceled so he came home to spend a couple of hours with me.
5. John laid next to me and only then I was finally able to go back to sleep. We cuddled for a long time and right before the alarm went off, I woke him up to give him a "proper" goodbye. It was, as it always is, the most magical time with my husband.

John then got ready and left again for the airport to catch his later flight. Only that this time, instead of tears, he left me with his smell, a huge smile on my face, reassurance that, near or far, he makes me the happiest woman in the world and with the thought that while we have each other, I don't ever, never, ever need to be scared.

Lonely

January 15, 2008

5:31 pm

Last night John told me that he'd be going to Canada tomorrow and then to China on Sunday. So, for the remainder of this week, he will only be here on Friday and Saturday. He will also be gone all week next week. I am sure it will be very tough not to have him around, particularly considering that I am home by myself all day long. Ugh -I am so not looking forward to next week at all. It will be so lonely without him...

Ever since getting pregnant, there have been so many changes in my life already! And since we are talking "travel", let me discuss changes in my life that are pertinent to my current ability to going places: the year before last, I was out of the country, on and off for about 6 months. Last year I visited 9 different countries and between China, Singapore, Copenhagen, New Zealand, St. Marteen, Saba, St. John, St. Thomas and Brazil, I covered quite a bit of land! Now this year I have no prospects of going anywhere, except to Brazil to be with my family right after the baby is born. If John and I are lucky, we will take the baby on our 1st family vacation to, perhaps, New Jersey, Florida, or New York, to visit her Uncle, Aunt and/or Grandparents! Haaaaa!

Now that I am farther along in my pregnancy, I go back and forth on whether the time that I have pre-baby (currently 3 and 1/2 months) is way too long or simply not long enough to wait for my daughter. Will I be afraid or ecstatic when all the other changes associated with her birth arrive? I have no idea and honestly, no choice in the matter (as I will have to wait as long as it takes for her to arrive), but one thing is certain, I can't wait to meet this little one. In thinking about John not being here, changes, etc., I just had this overwhelming feeling that the biggest change for me will in fact be that in a few months, I, will never, ever, ever be alone or lonely, ever again...

Level 2 Ultrasound - The day After

January 10, 2008
6:13 pm

Why am I a wreck? (Well, I am a wreck for many reasons, but episodes like the one I will talk about don't help me at all!) Because even after we had what is considered a great ultrasound, the baby looks great, she didn't show any "soft markers" and the doctor now reduced our chances of having a baby with abnormalities from 1:1400 to 1:2800, the OB, who knows that I've even been offered MEDICATION to ease my depression, said to me: well, OF COURSE these screening tests don't mean much in terms to giving you any guarantees, that is because the only way for you to know for sure that your baby is OK is by undergoing an amniocentesis or waiting until your baby is born. Okay, at that point I thought to myself - so why did I bother coming here and having this u/s? I u-n-d-e-r-s-t-a-n-d that of course those tests are merely screening tests and that they are not diagnostic and that of course, on a rational level, I understand all that. But what I really needed to hear from that doctor was that we are OK, that our baby girl is OK, that I can now go ahead and enjoy our pregnancy as opposed to what I actually heard, which was that those tests could be wrong…

Furthermore, why are there so many medical professionals out there against the amnio and why do doctors tell you to do the screening tests 1st and only after decide if you want to go ahead with the amnio (and I know, of course, that many people can and do elect to bypass screening tests and go right to amnio) -- Could it be because the amnio has a 0.5% chance of causing a miscarriage?!!! Gosh! Arrrrrrrrrrrrgh. Anyway, I spent the day today at home, working, and yet AGAIN today I didn't study, (cuz I'm still very unmotivated to do so), but overall I really did have an OK day (which in my book means: not overly obsessing in a bad, bad way over my daughter and it means no crying - except for when I watched "A Baby Story" on TV and saw the successful birth of a couple of beautiful babies - but even so, that was "good crying"!!!). I caught myself watching my baby's ultrasound pictures and smiling away AND my husband came home at lunchtime and we sat together and talked for 30' - a very rare occasion - at which point he said to me: you know, now that you've been staying home, I should be coming home at lunchtime more often to see you. My definition of a GREAT day, actually! In reality, if John will really be able to come home at lunchtime, God only knows, (even though I know he honestly has every intention to, but I also know how crazy work can get so I kinda doubt that he'll be able to, at least as much as he wants to), but it doesn't matter. I SO cherished my time with John today and I was very thankful for that time too.
And, the truth is that it is moments like these that I think that no matter how our baby turns out to be, she is a product of the most beautiful love story of John and I and she'll be so lovely, as well as wanted, loved and thoroughly cherished during every second of our lives.