February 8, 2008
I'm the kinda person who "suffers in anticipation." It is the single worst trait about me. For really important events in my life, I have major, uncontrollable anxiety, to a point that I live, breathe, dream whatever the issue is at that time, non-stop, until I find a way to calm myself down. Now, granted, at any given time, I don't have that many "super-important" things going on in my life to make me lose sleep over. That's the only reason why I'm convinced that I am not locked up in an institution.
I remember when I was in grad school, that after I wrote my thesis, I came across a topic that was very similar to the one I was about to defend. I was so terrified that my professor would think that I had plagiarized such article, that I didn’t only lose sleep over it: I couldn't eat, it was all I could possible think about all day long, I was obsessing so much over it that I was having visions of no longer graduating, of losing my job, of being ridiculed in front of my class-mates., and list goes on I believed in the thoughts so much that I started to orchestrate in my mind what I would do to defend myself. I went to my computer to check for file dates (so that I could prove that I hadn't copied anything from anybody), I started researching plagiarism cases and lawyers who would be able to defend me in case I was accused of something. I was going so absolutely mental, that I decided I would call the professor at home, on a Saturday morning, no less, to discuss my concerns.
The professor had very little to say. He was somewhat speechless at my speech of how innocent I was and how genuine my work was. After I was done "defending" myself and justifying and explaining that my work was indeed an "original", the professor said: "B, it's OK. I never thought your work wasn't an original piece. The topic is pretty common and there are many grad students defending it all over the world. You are fine. Relax." Upon hanging up the phone, it felt like a huge weight had been lifted of my shoulders. I sat there thinking: Oh, my God, I am so glad I called, because now I can finally have my life back. And I did. Things went really well until my next episode, which couldn't have been that memorable, becasue I don't remember what it was (although I know it happened - it may take months, but they always happen) but once I talked about it with my professor, THINGS DID GET MUCH BETTER.
The case above should illustrate my paranoia and how I operate in general. That feeling, however, doesn't come near this incredible feeling of insecurity that I've started to feel during the 2nd trimester of my pregnancy. Based on my past experiences, I am convinced that my thoughts will not be resolved until I know, one way or another, the true condition of this baby. Of course that I am praying for everything to be OK, but honestly, I would welcome my child into my life, whichever way that God gives her to me.
And most doctors (with the exception of my psychiatrist) don't understand that what I can no longer go thru is this feeling of anxiety, of not knowing. Last Friday, I went to my OB for my routine appointment. My OB is very aware of what's going on with me, so she brought it up during our consult and we talked about my options. She was like, well, you could have done an amnio at 16-2o weeks, but now, at 26 weeks, it's just too late for you to abort your baby. I was like, doctor, this was never, ever, ever about aborting my baby, or about my baby not being OK, or being OK. This is about the fact that I just need to know. She was like: why, if you'll want your baby anyway, why do you need to know, just wait until she is born? I sat there, looked at her right in the eyes and I said: You know dr. S., I understand that this is my own shortcoming. I am very lucid as to what is rational and what isn't: I understand that these thoughts and this anxiety are completely, totally, utterly irrational. I have done everything I possibly could to try and calm myself down, but my horrific anxiety issues -- that are mine, this wasn’t caused by this pregnancy, it may have been aggravated by the pregnancy hormones, but this is definitely a pre-existing condition -- combined with the absolute fear of litigation that this country lives in - which prompted all of my doctors to add more caveats to any tests results than to give me any reassurance whatsoever - are just not going away. I went to a psychologist, to a psychiatrist, I am taking Prozac for my anxiety (I am doing a little bit better with the crying but not with the anxiety), I am talking to my mom (who before anything is my mom, but who also happens to be one a fantastic psychologist) about my fears, etc… - and nothing, I mean NOTHING is helping the anxiety. Just the thought that I may have to live with this for the next 3 months make me not want to get out of bed for those 3 months. I'm at the end of my rope, I swear. I need to do something about this.
Then after understanding somewhat that I don’t want to feel this way and I have been trying to get out of this funk, unsuccessfully, the said: listen, if it's that bad, I'll highly recommend an amnio. At this point, you won't miscarry as your baby is strong and viable, so I say definitely go for it.
I then scheduled the test for the same day as my ultrasound. Unfortunately, the AA made a mistake in scheduling the location of my apointment so doctor wouldn't do the amnio (because we were not at a hospital, where he could perform an NST). It had taken me so much research, convincing myself that I really needed to do something about my anxiety because living the way I have been is just not doing my baby any good, talking my John, getting his buy-in on it, etc., that although it was hard for me not to have it done on Wednesday, as I had anticipated, I was convinced that I would have this done one way or another.
So yesterday, at 8:30AM, we had the test and now I am sitting here, waiting for the results, hoping that once get them, no matter what the result, my anxiety will diminish. Until then, I obsess....
Lovely... I just got a call from the genetics counselor. The lab didn't even process my test because my insurance won't pay for the preliminary results. I called the lab directly and submitted payment. Just before the lab director and I were about to hang up, she said (the damn caveat again!): you know these preliminary tests are not always accurate.... It has happened before that you'll get an OK result on the preliminary tests and a not-OK on the final result.
Argh! OK, whatever lady.
I'm the kinda person who "suffers in anticipation." It is the single worst trait about me. For really important events in my life, I have major, uncontrollable anxiety, to a point that I live, breathe, dream whatever the issue is at that time, non-stop, until I find a way to calm myself down. Now, granted, at any given time, I don't have that many "super-important" things going on in my life to make me lose sleep over. That's the only reason why I'm convinced that I am not locked up in an institution.
I remember when I was in grad school, that after I wrote my thesis, I came across a topic that was very similar to the one I was about to defend. I was so terrified that my professor would think that I had plagiarized such article, that I didn’t only lose sleep over it: I couldn't eat, it was all I could possible think about all day long, I was obsessing so much over it that I was having visions of no longer graduating, of losing my job, of being ridiculed in front of my class-mates., and list goes on I believed in the thoughts so much that I started to orchestrate in my mind what I would do to defend myself. I went to my computer to check for file dates (so that I could prove that I hadn't copied anything from anybody), I started researching plagiarism cases and lawyers who would be able to defend me in case I was accused of something. I was going so absolutely mental, that I decided I would call the professor at home, on a Saturday morning, no less, to discuss my concerns.
The professor had very little to say. He was somewhat speechless at my speech of how innocent I was and how genuine my work was. After I was done "defending" myself and justifying and explaining that my work was indeed an "original", the professor said: "B, it's OK. I never thought your work wasn't an original piece. The topic is pretty common and there are many grad students defending it all over the world. You are fine. Relax." Upon hanging up the phone, it felt like a huge weight had been lifted of my shoulders. I sat there thinking: Oh, my God, I am so glad I called, because now I can finally have my life back. And I did. Things went really well until my next episode, which couldn't have been that memorable, becasue I don't remember what it was (although I know it happened - it may take months, but they always happen) but once I talked about it with my professor, THINGS DID GET MUCH BETTER.
The case above should illustrate my paranoia and how I operate in general. That feeling, however, doesn't come near this incredible feeling of insecurity that I've started to feel during the 2nd trimester of my pregnancy. Based on my past experiences, I am convinced that my thoughts will not be resolved until I know, one way or another, the true condition of this baby. Of course that I am praying for everything to be OK, but honestly, I would welcome my child into my life, whichever way that God gives her to me.
And most doctors (with the exception of my psychiatrist) don't understand that what I can no longer go thru is this feeling of anxiety, of not knowing. Last Friday, I went to my OB for my routine appointment. My OB is very aware of what's going on with me, so she brought it up during our consult and we talked about my options. She was like, well, you could have done an amnio at 16-2o weeks, but now, at 26 weeks, it's just too late for you to abort your baby. I was like, doctor, this was never, ever, ever about aborting my baby, or about my baby not being OK, or being OK. This is about the fact that I just need to know. She was like: why, if you'll want your baby anyway, why do you need to know, just wait until she is born? I sat there, looked at her right in the eyes and I said: You know dr. S., I understand that this is my own shortcoming. I am very lucid as to what is rational and what isn't: I understand that these thoughts and this anxiety are completely, totally, utterly irrational. I have done everything I possibly could to try and calm myself down, but my horrific anxiety issues -- that are mine, this wasn’t caused by this pregnancy, it may have been aggravated by the pregnancy hormones, but this is definitely a pre-existing condition -- combined with the absolute fear of litigation that this country lives in - which prompted all of my doctors to add more caveats to any tests results than to give me any reassurance whatsoever - are just not going away. I went to a psychologist, to a psychiatrist, I am taking Prozac for my anxiety (I am doing a little bit better with the crying but not with the anxiety), I am talking to my mom (who before anything is my mom, but who also happens to be one a fantastic psychologist) about my fears, etc… - and nothing, I mean NOTHING is helping the anxiety. Just the thought that I may have to live with this for the next 3 months make me not want to get out of bed for those 3 months. I'm at the end of my rope, I swear. I need to do something about this.
Then after understanding somewhat that I don’t want to feel this way and I have been trying to get out of this funk, unsuccessfully, the said: listen, if it's that bad, I'll highly recommend an amnio. At this point, you won't miscarry as your baby is strong and viable, so I say definitely go for it.
I then scheduled the test for the same day as my ultrasound. Unfortunately, the AA made a mistake in scheduling the location of my apointment so doctor wouldn't do the amnio (because we were not at a hospital, where he could perform an NST). It had taken me so much research, convincing myself that I really needed to do something about my anxiety because living the way I have been is just not doing my baby any good, talking my John, getting his buy-in on it, etc., that although it was hard for me not to have it done on Wednesday, as I had anticipated, I was convinced that I would have this done one way or another.
So yesterday, at 8:30AM, we had the test and now I am sitting here, waiting for the results, hoping that once get them, no matter what the result, my anxiety will diminish. Until then, I obsess....
Lovely... I just got a call from the genetics counselor. The lab didn't even process my test because my insurance won't pay for the preliminary results. I called the lab directly and submitted payment. Just before the lab director and I were about to hang up, she said (the damn caveat again!): you know these preliminary tests are not always accurate.... It has happened before that you'll get an OK result on the preliminary tests and a not-OK on the final result.
Argh! OK, whatever lady.
