Psych

January 23, 2008
6:40 pm

After talking to my mom - a hardcore psychologist who believes that therapy cures everything and everyone - I decided to call a psychiatrist. My mom actually advised me to do so, because even though I had a good meeting with the psychologist on Monday, she advised me that it would take months for me to get better. The thing is: I don't have months to work on this depression.

The way I feel can't possibly do my baby any good (it certainly doesn't do me any good) so I truly feel at this point that I need to pick the lesser of 2 evils, I need to bite the bullet and if needed, take the depression medication in order to control my anxiety. But the guilt I feel for even thinking of taking the medication (despite being reassured that it is safe for me and my baby) is tremendous, in particular, because one of the "thoughts" that makes me so sad is when I realize that I will never be able to protect my baby from everything or everyone who could possibly hurt her thruout her life... I find myself crying so much, feeling this deep, deep sadness every time the horrible and uncontrolable thoughts creep in. It happens even when I had made a conscious decision to have a good and happy day. My resolve goes down the drain and this irrationality overcomes my being, my soul, my decisions. It is stronger than me.

The irony of it all is that little did I know that I would not be able to protect my baby from the one who is also nourishing her... I didn't know I could protect not her from... myself.

One more day until my husband comes home from China. Thank God.