Texting

January 24, 2008
8:47 am

John's texts to me this morning (while I was sleeping):

From: JD Cell

Hi hon, I'm in the lounge and the plane is on time. ILUMTA (I love you more than anything).

4:22AM 1/24/08

and then, an hour later, he sends me another text...

From: JD Cell

On plane ready to depart. Will call from DC. Can't wait to see you!!! MBWITU (MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN IN THE UNIVERSE).

5:24AM 1/24/08

God, I love this man. I woke up at 5:50AM and upon reading his texts, texted him back even though I tried to call, I can't seem to get thru when he's overseas, for some reason). His phone beeped so knew I was awake, then he called me so that we could touch base right before his plane took off.
I miss J so much, I simply can not wait to be with him.

Psych

January 23, 2008
6:40 pm

After talking to my mom - a hardcore psychologist who believes that therapy cures everything and everyone - I decided to call a psychiatrist. My mom actually advised me to do so, because even though I had a good meeting with the psychologist on Monday, she advised me that it would take months for me to get better. The thing is: I don't have months to work on this depression.

The way I feel can't possibly do my baby any good (it certainly doesn't do me any good) so I truly feel at this point that I need to pick the lesser of 2 evils, I need to bite the bullet and if needed, take the depression medication in order to control my anxiety. But the guilt I feel for even thinking of taking the medication (despite being reassured that it is safe for me and my baby) is tremendous, in particular, because one of the "thoughts" that makes me so sad is when I realize that I will never be able to protect my baby from everything or everyone who could possibly hurt her thruout her life... I find myself crying so much, feeling this deep, deep sadness every time the horrible and uncontrolable thoughts creep in. It happens even when I had made a conscious decision to have a good and happy day. My resolve goes down the drain and this irrationality overcomes my being, my soul, my decisions. It is stronger than me.

The irony of it all is that little did I know that I would not be able to protect my baby from the one who is also nourishing her... I didn't know I could protect not her from... myself.

One more day until my husband comes home from China. Thank God.

1/2 Weekend

January 21, 2008
1:52 pm


So, I do feel a bit cheated... even though we had a great time, John and I only had a good "half" weekend (or a good Saturday)-- OK, let me explain: John got back from Canada on Thursday, worked all day Friday and left for China on Sunday, so I only had a good Saturday or 1/2 weekend with him! Even though I just saw him yesterday, it feels to me like he's been away for-ever.

RANDOM EVENTS:
1. On Saturday, I got a call from a pretty charactery psychologist who managed to get me an appointment with another therapist for later today which means that yes, she is charactery but 'all right' in my book.
2. I dropped John off at the gym and then I went to Target to buy a pair of size XXL sweat pants bc NONE of my clothes, including my size "L" pants don't fit me anymore. While in the store I got my baby's crib set, matching blankets and matching boxes in the same colors that we want to paint her room (pink, brown and ivory). Crazy randomness: In stores, I'll take the little motorized cars to minimize my walking and boy, do I feel silly!
3. John was determined that I had a good day on Saturday so he took me to watch "27 Dresses" and then to have appetizers at Friday's. We had so much fun, like we always do, and my husband made sure that I was having a happy night or, at a minimum, an anxiety controlled night, a goal that he successfully managed to accomplish.
4. On Sunday at 4:30AM John left to go to the airport. When he left I cried for an hour, thinking of how much I'll miss him and afraid that something bad would happen to him while he's away. (So the circumstances change and I end up projecting my insecuring upon that new circumstance, so now my terrible fear is that his plane will crash...) At around 6AM I heard noises downstairs so my sick mind immediately thought that it was the police coming over to tell me that my husband's plane had crashed and that he had died. Well, a short while later, the bedroom door opens which made me so scared I thought I'd die. John walks into our room, because, no, he hadn't died, but his early flight was canceled so he came home to spend a couple of hours with me.
5. John laid next to me and only then I was finally able to go back to sleep. We cuddled for a long time and right before the alarm went off, I woke him up to give him a "proper" goodbye. It was, as it always is, the most magical time with my husband.

John then got ready and left again for the airport to catch his later flight. Only that this time, instead of tears, he left me with his smell, a huge smile on my face, reassurance that, near or far, he makes me the happiest woman in the world and with the thought that while we have each other, I don't ever, never, ever need to be scared.

Lonely

January 15, 2008

5:31 pm

Last night John told me that he'd be going to Canada tomorrow and then to China on Sunday. So, for the remainder of this week, he will only be here on Friday and Saturday. He will also be gone all week next week. I am sure it will be very tough not to have him around, particularly considering that I am home by myself all day long. Ugh -I am so not looking forward to next week at all. It will be so lonely without him...

Ever since getting pregnant, there have been so many changes in my life already! And since we are talking "travel", let me discuss changes in my life that are pertinent to my current ability to going places: the year before last, I was out of the country, on and off for about 6 months. Last year I visited 9 different countries and between China, Singapore, Copenhagen, New Zealand, St. Marteen, Saba, St. John, St. Thomas and Brazil, I covered quite a bit of land! Now this year I have no prospects of going anywhere, except to Brazil to be with my family right after the baby is born. If John and I are lucky, we will take the baby on our 1st family vacation to, perhaps, New Jersey, Florida, or New York, to visit her Uncle, Aunt and/or Grandparents! Haaaaa!

Now that I am farther along in my pregnancy, I go back and forth on whether the time that I have pre-baby (currently 3 and 1/2 months) is way too long or simply not long enough to wait for my daughter. Will I be afraid or ecstatic when all the other changes associated with her birth arrive? I have no idea and honestly, no choice in the matter (as I will have to wait as long as it takes for her to arrive), but one thing is certain, I can't wait to meet this little one. In thinking about John not being here, changes, etc., I just had this overwhelming feeling that the biggest change for me will in fact be that in a few months, I, will never, ever, ever be alone or lonely, ever again...

Genetic Counselor

January 14, 2008
11:49 am

We were supposed to see a Genetic Counselor right after our Level II ultrasound on Wednesday, but since my consult with the perinatologist* started late and lasted longer that expected and John had to go back to work by the time the u/s was actually over. I was tempted to cancel my apointment with the GC altogether (because at the time I saw no value added in talking to her) but John pleaded with me that I talk to whoever I could about my anxiety, so I rescheduled my appointment with the GC to Friday morning. John picked me up at home at 9:45 and we headed downtown to Hartford Hospital. I was a bit skeptical about the whole thing, but I've gotta say, I had a GREAT consult with the GC: I feel much better about my blood and u/s results (she did a great job in explaining those to us), while, of course, continuing to understand that they offer me no guarantees (but, refreshingly so, she didn't focus on the possibility of what could go wrong - no matter how unlikely - but on the fact that everything was very positive).

THE CONSULT: She started it by asking John and I about our family history (whether everybody was healthy, etc. - John's family is 100% healthy but I have 2 cousins - that I learned genetically don't impact my baby - with mental problems). She then went over our blood test results and explained to us, in detail, what each of the 4 elements of the quadruple screen meant. My main questions was in regard to timing - I had my AFP at week 21 and 3 days when the cut-off is at 22 weeks (the lab doesn't have data past that time) - I was concerned, in the event I had miscalculated my conception date and I was actually later in on my pregnancy, I asked her if the results were still true considering the facts and if the data had been compromised, as a result. She reassured me that I am OK there, as the lab wouldn't have performed the tests if they didn't have data to measure my blood count against. Then we went over the level II u/s results. She said that the doctor (perinatologist - for definition, see below) who performed it was one of the most experienced doctors in the Hartford area, that my results were fantastic, that the machine was very accurate and that the odds, of us having a baby with special needs, based on these tests were much lower than a risk of a miscarriage with us having an amnio. She asked me to think rationally about whether the amnio would make sense - and even though "rational" is not a word that is in my personal dictionary these days - considering the results and how against it John is, I've decided not to have it.

The hard thing about this pre-partum depression is the unpredictability of how I'm going to feel. I've been doing really well for the past couple days but I have no idea of what's gonna hit me in the next few days. As a result of doing well, John and I were able to pick colors for the baby's room (pink, light brown and the paneling will be ivory), we bought a car seat at Target, we decided that we would try and work on organizing the house to get ready for baby, etc... The crazy thing is, I feel so good when I'm doing things for her, I love it when she throws kicks and punches and shows me that yes, she is here to stay and I love looking at my belly and actually "seeing" how fast she's growing now (I believe at this point, babies grow quite rapidly - weight -wise it is about 6 ounces/week)... It feels so real. I am just hoping that I can keep this up and that I can somehow stay somewhat positive for the next 3 and a half months... We'll see

* Perinatologist: An obstetrical sub-specialist concerned with the care of the mother and fetus at higher-than-normal risk for complications. Since the perinatal period, depending on the definition, starts at the 20th to 28th week of gestation and ends 1 to 4 weeks after birth, a perinatologist logically could be a obstetrician or pediatrician but, in practice, a perinatologist is an obstetrician. The comparable area of pediatrics is neonatology. A high-risk baby might be cared for by a perinatologist before birth and by a neonatologist after birth.

Level 2 Ultrasound - The day After

January 10, 2008
6:13 pm

Why am I a wreck? (Well, I am a wreck for many reasons, but episodes like the one I will talk about don't help me at all!) Because even after we had what is considered a great ultrasound, the baby looks great, she didn't show any "soft markers" and the doctor now reduced our chances of having a baby with abnormalities from 1:1400 to 1:2800, the OB, who knows that I've even been offered MEDICATION to ease my depression, said to me: well, OF COURSE these screening tests don't mean much in terms to giving you any guarantees, that is because the only way for you to know for sure that your baby is OK is by undergoing an amniocentesis or waiting until your baby is born. Okay, at that point I thought to myself - so why did I bother coming here and having this u/s? I u-n-d-e-r-s-t-a-n-d that of course those tests are merely screening tests and that they are not diagnostic and that of course, on a rational level, I understand all that. But what I really needed to hear from that doctor was that we are OK, that our baby girl is OK, that I can now go ahead and enjoy our pregnancy as opposed to what I actually heard, which was that those tests could be wrong…

Furthermore, why are there so many medical professionals out there against the amnio and why do doctors tell you to do the screening tests 1st and only after decide if you want to go ahead with the amnio (and I know, of course, that many people can and do elect to bypass screening tests and go right to amnio) -- Could it be because the amnio has a 0.5% chance of causing a miscarriage?!!! Gosh! Arrrrrrrrrrrrgh. Anyway, I spent the day today at home, working, and yet AGAIN today I didn't study, (cuz I'm still very unmotivated to do so), but overall I really did have an OK day (which in my book means: not overly obsessing in a bad, bad way over my daughter and it means no crying - except for when I watched "A Baby Story" on TV and saw the successful birth of a couple of beautiful babies - but even so, that was "good crying"!!!). I caught myself watching my baby's ultrasound pictures and smiling away AND my husband came home at lunchtime and we sat together and talked for 30' - a very rare occasion - at which point he said to me: you know, now that you've been staying home, I should be coming home at lunchtime more often to see you. My definition of a GREAT day, actually! In reality, if John will really be able to come home at lunchtime, God only knows, (even though I know he honestly has every intention to, but I also know how crazy work can get so I kinda doubt that he'll be able to, at least as much as he wants to), but it doesn't matter. I SO cherished my time with John today and I was very thankful for that time too.
And, the truth is that it is moments like these that I think that no matter how our baby turns out to be, she is a product of the most beautiful love story of John and I and she'll be so lovely, as well as wanted, loved and thoroughly cherished during every second of our lives.

Level 2 Ultrasound

January 9, 2008
12:02 pm

I am now one hour and 28 minutes away from my level II ultrasound* and I am getting more and more anxious... Will my baby be OK? Will I be able to - finally - picture her as a healthy baby? Am I going to be able to enjoy my pregnancy, once and for all? Is my anxiety level going to either disappear or at a minimum go down? * The level II ultrasound is also called a targeted ultrasound, because it refers to a 'targeted' examination of the fetus – this is possible because those u/s are much more accurate than standard screening ultrasounds. “Level II ultrasounds are typically conducted by a perinatologist, fetal medicine specialist, or someone else who specializes in high-risk pregnancies and who is trained to look for the markers of chromosomal disorders.” Level II ultrasounds look for structural markers are abnormalities in organ and bone formation.

Placenta Previa

January 7, 2008
9:13 pm

Another Monday is here and yet one more day that I didn't leave my home. Here the culprit: on Saturday, 12/29/07, John and I woke up, made love, talked and right before we went downstairs to have coffee, I went to the bathroom and then I realized that I was spotting -- but only slightly, and since sex hadn't been painful and the quantity of blood was so small, I didn't really worry about it. We went about our business; we had breakfast, shopped, prepared some appetizers for a friend's New Years' Party, etc. That night, at about 9ish, we had dinner and right after I took my 100th trip to the bathroom that day I realized that I was still spotting and that the blood was actually turning brownish in color, like the way it got to be towards the end of my period. I told John what was going on, but also that I wasn’t worried at all about it, John told me to, at a minimum, call my OBG-YN to let them know what was going on with me (I had had spotting early in my pregnancy and it was no big deal to my OB - they couldn't pinpoint the cause and it was business as usual, hence us not worrying at all about it this time}. The doctor on call called me back right away to know what was going on and when I told her about the spotting, she got a bit aggravated and was like: "You are 6 months along, you can't mess with these things at this point and you have to come to the hospital immediately!" So, John and I got in the car and drove to a deserted maternity ward at Hartford Hospital. I guess people don't get sick or have babies around New Year's Eve?!

When we got there, I was taken to a room where a jolly nurse helped us get settled and a very nice doctor from Nigeria puts this contraction monitor on my belly (I was not having any contractions). He then decided to do an ultrasound on me to make sure the baby was OK. As he is looking at the monitor, he decides to examine my cervix and to do an intra-vaginal u/s (VERY uncomfortable!). Just as he is looking cautiously at the monitor, the lady doctor who had called me, comes into the room. We were having small talk when she looked at the monitor. She stops talking to me and starts talking to the nice doctor in doctor-language. So the 2 doctors start to talk like: - Look how low it is? Think it’s placenta previa? Oh, I think so! At this point John and I are looking at each other and I finally say: What’s going on? Think you can explain it to us in like layman's terms? The doctor tells me that my placenta is lying unusually low in my uterus, next to or covering my cervix and that until they had a Level II u/s done on me (which will be in a couple of days - this Level II u/s, BTW, had already been scheduled due to my incredible fear and inexplicable anxiety that my baby has a congenital malformation) that I should be in total and complete bed-rest. She even threatened to keep me overnight in the hospital, but since I wasn't bleeding anymore nor having any contractions, I asked her to please let me come home.

So here I am. It’s been 9 days now and I’m beyond bored but I've been really good about not moving much. I am loving the "working from home" part but hating the "not doing anything except sit on the couch" part. I am beyond anxious about the Level II u/s, in reality for reasons other than the placenta previa (because of my irrational fear that my baby is not developing like she should). I have a couple days to go and I can’t wait for some assurance that things are OK with both of us girls. It’s actually 40 hours and 17 minutes to be exact.

My Pregnancy Journal

January 6, 2008
5:32 pm

I've decided to start writing a pregnancy diary for a couple of reasons: first, I would like to, one day, share these experiences with my soon-to-be born daughter and also because although I've been waiting for this pregnancy for many years, I was not at all prepared for all the changes that have occurred to me throughout, neither the difficulties that I have had to face during these past 6 months. I hope that writing about them may help me cope with those changes or at a minimum that it will help me put them in perspective. I've dreamt about being pregnant and having babies pretty much my entire life and having gone thru bad marriages and horrible relationships, now that I am with my soul mate, the love of my live, the person who I want to spend the rest of my life with, I honestly thought that I would be one of those happy-go-lucky pregnant women, those that once asked how "being pregnant is", "how I am feeling", etc. I would, with a huge smile on my face, give to those asking, one of those super happy answers like - "Oh, I am having a great pregnancy!" - "I am doing so wonderfully!" - "I feel greeeeeeeeeeat! - I am so happyyyyyyy!" - Ah, how I wish. In reality, I have been having a very difficult pregnancy: I started my pregnancy looking and feeling great and my body was exactly where I wanted it to be weight and looks-wise. John and I were having the time of our lives with a social calendar that would make any hip socialite super-jealous. I was also drinking more than I should, partying more than I should, and going out more than I should. We were having a fantastic summer when we decided that we wanted to try for a baby. Good times. Both of us had wanted to have kids for so long that it felt silly to wait and so we tried and in fact, we got pregnant indeed (I think we conceived on August 12th). In the beginning of this pregnancy, I honestly didn't know what to think about. It was not a natural process for me at 33, to find out that I had a little human-being being developed inside of me and that as a result, to have to make many adjustments to my lifestyle. My whole life as I knew it was being thrown up-side down. My body started to change. I went from an A/B cup-size to a D in a matter of days. My nipples, those little things that were rosy and cute, got large, dark and ugly - Oreo-cookie like, almost overnight. My skin got extremely dry. I wasn't sick at all during my 1st trimester, so I was pretty much hungry (and so I ate) all the time. I gained 15 pounds in 3 months. Oh and I couldn't drink my so-incredibly-cherished glass of red wine anymore without feeling at least extremely guilty (in reality and in all honesty, it took me at least five months until I didn't miss wine every single day). But all the above was absolutely nothing compared to the feelings and thoughts I've had during this 2nd trimester: the depression, the crazy thoughts that I can't help but have, the rejection, resentment, but most of all, the absolute terror that has become a constant companion of mine. This is where I start to create a log of this incredible journey one of which has been much expected, cherished, loved but at the same time so tumultuous and difficult. Here we go.