Isn't she lovely?

Trust Issues

After having had so many dificult relationships in the past, I've learned a thing or 2 about them. I think that in order for any relationship to work, you have to know when stuff that you are saying when you're irritated is "real", it's because you are really feeling them, or if it's only because you are stressed due to "external things", stuff that has nothing to do with each other, but it has to do with, like, lack of money, stress of surgery, debt, ...etc. If it's really me, stuff that in my true core bothers me, then I have to address it wih John. Now, if I'm just bickering...well, then I have to be disciplined enough to say: - you know, I was just a big pain, totally unfair to you, and I'm sorry. I'll do my best not to let all this stuff that's going on to affect how I am with you. And, although difficult, I then have to STOP the behavior immediately. Ultimately we both have to be KIND to each other and want to spare each other of hurt.

I've noticed that when John says something that it feels hurtful to me (sometimes he is clueless as to what hurts me, as people have different sensitivity levels) I'll say: honey, that hurts my feelings. And he immediately apologizes and feels really bad that whatever he said upset me, because he also really wants to make our relationship work and he doesn't want to hurt me at all. That's another thing I've learned: for any relationship to work out, both people have to really want it to work. Like, waking away from it, is just not an option because you love the other person too much and there's NOBODY who could ever come close to what we have.

John and I have a really good relationship, we always have. He is my best friend and I love to hang with him, we laugh a lot and we have just so much fun together. But in the very beginning of our relationship, I had just been yet again cheated on by my last bf and I wasn't really being fair to John. I had unrealistic expectations of him, I didn't really trust him (although he never gave me a reason to ever not trust him) and I was a bit of a nightmare. Well, at the time, I was going to a therapist to address my own insecurities about relationships and trust issues, especially considering that I have just been cheated on yet again, by my bf @ the time. Well, even though John had never gone to a therapist (and quite honestly didn't believe in them), he went to a couple of sessions with me. He loved it because he felt safe about talking to me about his own frustrations about me, knowing that I wouldn't use those things against him. It's a work in progress for me, but after seeing how committed he was to making me feel secure about "us", my trust issues started to be more under control.

John is now in Germany, the same exact city where his girlfriend of a year lives, the same gf that he broke things off for me, for our relationship (there were, obviously other issues, but pursuing a relationship with me was, I believe, the deciding factor for him). Deep down, I do feel insecure about him being there. But I remember how honest he is and how much we love each other, how we are so in love with each other, what a beautiful relationship ours is and I take ownership for this mis-trust - it is MY issue. He is so committed to me, he is such a wonderful partner, the love of my life. Just remembering these these things and how lucky I am to have him, put things in perspective for me. John on the other hand, is extra attentive to me (although I've never asked him to be) - I think bc he knows about my insecurity, he is extra attentive and sweet: he'll IM me, call and leave me sweet messages, call when he is done with meetings, etc. Nothing crazy, but enough for me to know that he is consciously trying to reassure me of how "solid" we are...).

Even in great relationships, there will be issues to be dealt with. There will always be tough situations in our lives, but it's the way the we deal with them that will make the difference in whether we'll make it.
NO RELATIONSHIP WILL EVER BE STRESS FREE. EVEN THE ONES THAT SEEM SO PERFECT.

Baby Names

John and I really need to get going on this. This site http://http://www.nymbler.com/nymbler/ is a great resource to help you find your baby's name. In Nymbler, you can add names that you like into a field and then the site searches for new names based on those that you like. I put in six names that John and I like and the site searched names that matched our preferences. Pretty cool!

Baby Room

Baby Room

In all its pinkness!!

Medidas da janela (Mom you can now get me my curtains!):

Comprimento ate chao: 216 cms
Comprimento ate janela: 155 cms
Largura: 194 cms

Fishy

I can't believe how much I love the pool nowadays. As I get heavier (and boy am I getting heavy), walking up and down the pool is just fantastic, in a "weightless, no aches and pains for 30'" kinda way. I went to 2 acqua-aerobics classes last week and today, while John swam laps, I walked in the pool and did some kicking and I just felt great. We are planning on going back tomorrow and I can't wait!!

My Annual Review

I had my (work) annual review on Monday, via phone - which is definitely not the best way to do it, but my supervisor and I had no choice considering that my dr. hadn't given me the OK to go back to work yet and it had to be done. I received a great review but I was VERY disappointed at my summary rating of "fully competent" (as opposed to "exceptional performer"). I expressed my disappointment to my supervisor, and although he made a couple of changes to his review by adding even more praises, ...etc, he ultimately left my summary rating as it was.

I met up with my supervisor yesterday to wrap up Monday's discussion and sign my performance plan. I was surprinsingly calm during my discussion with him. See, even though he gave me the "fully competent" rating, I KNOW that last year, I performed exceptionally. I received fantastic reviews from certain top executives in my company, I worked my butt of and exceeded the goals that were established for me, having, mind you, e-mail documentation to back everything up. Inside of me, with all honesty, I know that I worked above and beyond your average person. After thinking about this for 4 days, I decided to respect my supervisor's decision and not create a big deal out of my summary rating with HR.

Part of my being so upset is knowing that I had such a great year last year, that it will be tough to top it this year. I am also being incredibly afraid that now that I'll be having a baby, I won't have the same chance to "shine" like I did in 2007 and that I'll have to conform, yet again, with an average rating. I am not a person who accepts "average" as my standard. I don't coast. I love my job. I work hard. I have a strong work ethic. I care.

But I also realize that my supervisor is not out there to "get me" - if he gave me a great review but a "fully competent" summary, after debating it for 4 days, I decided that it is best to accept it and try harder this year.

Now here lies the conflict: how am I going to try harder when my priorities are already shifting (I can only imagine how it's gonna be when the baby is born) and work is no longer as important as it used to be?

Belly - 28 weeks

Random Thoughts

1. We worked on the baby room this weekend and on Monday. The room looks VERY pink. Granted, pink is my favorite color, but I don't think I can live with such a world of pinkness. Something needs to be done.

2. The room has chairrails, crown moldings and pink, pink walls and nothing else. We hated the wall cutouts and stenciling. No furniture yet. Pictures are forthcoming.

3. My belly looks huge. I am huge. God help me losing this weight once the baby is born.

4. I'll have another ultrasound scan (and consequently another set of 3D pictures) on Saturday, the 23rd. John and I are not satisfied with the only 3 decent pictures they gave us, and after driving for over 1 and 1/2 hours and paying the absurd amount of $ that the center charges, I think we deserve better. I mean, some of the picture files were these undescribable images and others we got absolutely n-o-t-h-i-n-g. I'll be 30 weeks then and I hope the pictures will come out great.

5. I went to my 2nd fitness class (acqua-aerobics), post bed-rest, yesterday and I found it surprinsingly challenging. Still, I was bored and looking at the clock for most of the time, but when John was done running, he joined me in the pool and took the last 30' of class with me (to which all the ladies who also took the class thought it was the most darling thing ever! -- well, so did I!)

6. My husband's ex-wife now works out at this same gym that we do (John ran into her on Sunday - while I was doing a yoga class, my 1st fitness class post bed-rest. He said that she told him that she had decided to join that gym, despite the fact that she knew that he works out there, and he told her he was now remarried). Now I am always on the alert, conscious of the fact that, well, we may be taking the same fitness class. A bit weird, but I'm OK with it.

7. I'm desperately trying to make it to my sister's wedding in June. I found out yesterday, that the baby will need a passport and as we all know, getting a passport in the US has become this huge bureaucratic mess. Even if we go to a passport center, it will take them a minimum of 2 weeks to process my baby's passport. Now, here's to praying that she'll want to come out early or on time (as opposed to late) so that I can make it to Bruna's wedding??!

8. I will charge my digital camera and will make this blog a bit more interesting, with pictures and all. I realize that it is extremely boring the way it is, so be on the lookout!

My munchkin is turning into a donut!

"Somebody" TRIPLED her weight in only one month! (1 to 3 pounds)

The waiting game

February 8, 2008

I'm the kinda person who "suffers in anticipation." It is the single worst trait about me. For really important events in my life, I have major, uncontrollable anxiety, to a point that I live, breathe, dream whatever the issue is at that time, non-stop, until I find a way to calm myself down. Now, granted, at any given time, I don't have that many "super-important" things going on in my life to make me lose sleep over. That's the only reason why I'm convinced that I am not locked up in an institution.

I remember when I was in grad school, that after I wrote my thesis, I came across a topic that was very similar to the one I was about to defend. I was so terrified that my professor would think that I had plagiarized such article, that I didn’t only lose sleep over it: I couldn't eat, it was all I could possible think about all day long, I was obsessing so much over it that I was having visions of no longer graduating, of losing my job, of being ridiculed in front of my class-mates., and list goes on I believed in the thoughts so much that I started to orchestrate in my mind what I would do to defend myself. I went to my computer to check for file dates (so that I could prove that I hadn't copied anything from anybody), I started researching plagiarism cases and lawyers who would be able to defend me in case I was accused of something. I was going so absolutely mental, that I decided I would call the professor at home, on a Saturday morning, no less, to discuss my concerns.

The professor had very little to say. He was somewhat speechless at my speech of how innocent I was and how genuine my work was. After I was done "defending" myself and justifying and explaining that my work was indeed an "original", the professor said: "B, it's OK. I never thought your work wasn't an original piece. The topic is pretty common and there are many grad students defending it all over the world. You are fine. Relax." Upon hanging up the phone, it felt like a huge weight had been lifted of my shoulders. I sat there thinking: Oh, my God, I am so glad I called, because now I can finally have my life back. And I did. Things went really well until my next episode, which couldn't have been that memorable, becasue I don't remember what it was (although I know it happened - it may take months, but they always happen) but once I talked about it with my professor, THINGS DID GET MUCH BETTER.

The case above should illustrate my paranoia and how I operate in general. That feeling, however, doesn't come near this incredible feeling of insecurity that I've started to feel during the 2nd trimester of my pregnancy. Based on my past experiences, I am convinced that my thoughts will not be resolved until I know, one way or another, the true condition of this baby. Of course that I am praying for everything to be OK, but honestly, I would welcome my child into my life, whichever way that God gives her to me.

And most doctors (with the exception of my psychiatrist) don't understand that what I can no longer go thru is this feeling of anxiety, of not knowing. Last Friday, I went to my OB for my routine appointment. My OB is very aware of what's going on with me, so she brought it up during our consult and we talked about my options. She was like, well, you could have done an amnio at 16-2o weeks, but now, at 26 weeks, it's just too late for you to abort your baby. I was like, doctor, this was never, ever, ever about aborting my baby, or about my baby not being OK, or being OK. This is about the fact that I just need to know. She was like: why, if you'll want your baby anyway, why do you need to know, just wait until she is born? I sat there, looked at her right in the eyes and I said: You know dr. S., I understand that this is my own shortcoming. I am very lucid as to what is rational and what isn't: I understand that these thoughts and this anxiety are completely, totally, utterly irrational. I have done everything I possibly could to try and calm myself down, but my horrific anxiety issues -- that are mine, this wasn’t caused by this pregnancy, it may have been aggravated by the pregnancy hormones, but this is definitely a pre-existing condition -- combined with the absolute fear of litigation that this country lives in - which prompted all of my doctors to add more caveats to any tests results than to give me any reassurance whatsoever - are just not going away. I went to a psychologist, to a psychiatrist, I am taking Prozac for my anxiety (I am doing a little bit better with the crying but not with the anxiety), I am talking to my mom (who before anything is my mom, but who also happens to be one a fantastic psychologist) about my fears, etc… - and nothing, I mean NOTHING is helping the anxiety. Just the thought that I may have to live with this for the next 3 months make me not want to get out of bed for those 3 months. I'm at the end of my rope, I swear. I need to do something about this.

Then after understanding somewhat that I don’t want to feel this way and I have been trying to get out of this funk, unsuccessfully, the said: listen, if it's that bad, I'll highly recommend an amnio. At this point, you won't miscarry as your baby is strong and viable, so I say definitely go for it.

I then scheduled the test for the same day as my ultrasound. Unfortunately, the AA made a mistake in scheduling the location of my apointment so doctor wouldn't do the amnio (because we were not at a hospital, where he could perform an NST). It had taken me so much research, convincing myself that I really needed to do something about my anxiety because living the way I have been is just not doing my baby any good, talking my John, getting his buy-in on it, etc., that although it was hard for me not to have it done on Wednesday, as I had anticipated, I was convinced that I would have this done one way or another.

So yesterday, at 8:30AM, we had the test and now I am sitting here, waiting for the results, hoping that once get them, no matter what the result, my anxiety will diminish. Until then, I obsess....

Lovely... I just got a call from the genetics counselor. The lab didn't even process my test because my insurance won't pay for the preliminary results. I called the lab directly and submitted payment. Just before the lab director and I were about to hang up, she said (the damn caveat again!): you know these preliminary tests are not always accurate.... It has happened before that you'll get an OK result on the preliminary tests and a not-OK on the final result.
Argh! OK, whatever lady.

27 Weeks

I am now 27 weeks. It is surreal to me that in only one week I'll be entering my 3rd and last trimester of this pregnancy. I go back and forth on whether this pregnancy will never be over with (I'm not loving this "being pregnant" thing - no secret here) or if I still need more time before she comes into this world. I feel incredibly unprepared, as she doesn't even have a bedroom yet, but at the same time I simply can not wait to meet her (who needs a bedroom anyway).

Last night was the 1st time that I heard John verbally expressing his love for our baby. We were in bed, reading. He then put his book down, kissed my belly and said: I love you. When I heard him, I knew that he wasn't saying it to me. He had the sweetest expression on his face. Hearing my husband tell our baby, the product of our amazing love, that he loved her, was the most incredible experience. It gave me further assurance that I am married to the right man, that I am creating this family with the right person at the right time, that I am exactly where I'm supposed to be....

27 weeks

Your baby is nearly a full 15 inches now (head to toe). And at just over two pounds, she has doubled in weight from four weeks ago. Your baby's auditory development (hearing) is progressing as the network of nerves to the ears matures. And even though the sounds your baby hears are muffled she may recognize both yours and your husband's voices. Your baby's taste buds are very developed now too. She may be hiccuping and although hiccups (which feel like belly spasms to you) may seem like they're disturbing to your baby, she isn't stressed at all. It's just one more sensation that babies need to get used to.

OB Appointment

I can't sleep at night anymore. Between peeing 10x/night, feeling horrible backaches due to my ever-growing belly, my not being able to breathe (what's the deal with pregnancy and, uh, congestion??) and my all-nighter tossing and turning, trying to feel just a little bit comfortable in a weird shaped body, I feel more tired at 6AM than I did when I went to bed. Every little thing wakes me up too. I am awakened by my husband even if he "breathes" a bit bit louder. One would think that nature would have worked this out so that we, pregnant women, could sleep a lot before baby, to make up for the lack of sleep that we'll endure after baby???

Oh and I broke yet another barrier: I have managed to gain THIRTY FIVE POUNDS in seven months. That's how much I'm supposed to gain thruout my entire pregnancy! And I know I'm going to sound like the overweight who's in denial, but I don't think I'm eating a heck of a lot more than before, surely not enough to justify a 35 pound gain! I started this pregnancy a bit underweight (I have horrific stomach problems and I feel a lot of pain whenever I eat, so I ate very little as to avoid feeling pain and indigestion - this issue disappeared the second I got pregnant - maybe nature is perfect after all) and I have read somewhere that if you are, for the most part, eating somewhat healthy, but still, you are retaining everything you eat, is because your body needs it. And honestly, considering all the other things that are concerning me, one thing that is just not on my mind at all is my weight gain - except of course, when I go to my monthly OB appointment and I see a record of my weight gain on my chart (And I have to admit: I hate my pudgy legs, my swollen face, my mis-shaped nose too).

I'll be doing the glucose test next week - I hear horrific things about this test and I am not looking forward to it (not because I am worried about its results but because I am just not looking forward to drinking the goo that they'll give me and then waiting an hour to have the test done). My blood pressure is totally normal. My belly is growing as it should. Baby moves so much and sometimes can actually I see her move when I look at my belly. I had one or two episodes of morning sickness and heart-burn during my entire pregnancy, so far. My feet and fingers aren't swollen (my wedding ring still fits me!) ~ Physically, I am having the ideal pregnancy. Too bad I am such a mess emotionally. Nothing is perfect after all. But Wednesday is my u/s and next week, life should go back to normal (no more bed-rest). Thank goodness.

Today has been a good day. We went to Smokey Bones for lunch (and this adorable girl waited on us and she talked, talked and talked away and told us about her travels and boyfriend and stuff and John looked at me with a huge smile on his face and said: honey, can you believe we'll be having a girl in 3 months? To which I responded, can you imagine if she talks as much as this girl? -- And the 2 of us said at the same time: It would be so much fun!), then we went to Lowes (we started some home improvement projects to get ready for baby), made an obligatory stop at Cold Stone Creamery and a quick pit-stop at David's Bridal (to grab some catalogues for my sister).

Now, as I am typing away, John is taking a nap. I just glanced at him and he looks so peaceful, so incredibly gorgeous. I rented 2 movies yesterday, which we may or may not watch tonight. We have no food in the house, so we may or may not have dinner here.
In reality, it doesn't really matter -- I have no clue what's next but whatever it is, I'm looking forward to it because I'll be doing it with my best friend, my favorite person in the world. We always have the best time together. We always have so much fun....

Bored

What a crazy day... between dr.'s appointments (OB and dermatologist) and work... Hmm, I think I actually had a busy day today. Woo-hoo. (yes, I am bored, dammit.) My week was uneventful. I've been reading various pregnancy and mommy blogs and about other pregnancy issues, talked to my mom and my sister every day, I was pretty productive at work, you know. Nothing sexy.

I'm looking forward to spending time with John this weekend. Last weekend was fun and all (John's brother, his wife, my lovely niece and her friend came to CT to spend the weekend with us) but it will be nice to have some alone time with my husband. J wants to work on getting the house ready for when the baby comes but I am still not 100% engaged, I'm not quite there yet. I have my appoinment with the perinatologist on Wednesday and with the psychiatrist on Thursday and I am hoping that things will improve after those meetings.

I so desperately want to enjoy this experience, but for some reason I can't, I don't feel that I deserve to and I am tired of trying to be that person that I'm not. I am just going to stoping fighting and start accepting that I am pretty miserable right now. This doesn't mean that I didn't want this (this baby was more than planned and will be so welcome in our lives) or that I am not looking forward to meeting the little princess, because I am. I consider myself so lucky that all these wonderful things are happening to us but at the same time, I can't really focus on it until I can fix this depression and anxiety that seems to have had overcome my being.

I am taking one day at a time. I have OK days and horrible days. I have days that I don't obssess and days that all I do is cry. I have days that I am so attached to my belly and others that I don't even acknowledge it. I have days that the feeling of guilt overcomes any other one and those can be right on par with the obsessive ones. I have days when I am so incredibly sad, but funny, I never have any days when I don't wish I was pregnant. I already so attached yet I feel incredibly unattached at times. I have to learn to stop being so hard on myself and stop thinking on how I "should be" as opposed to accepting how I am. I have to learn be kind to myself.